If It Feels Good Do It

SLOW THE EFF DOWN

There I was in Foster City, en route to Hollywood Video. Time: Approximately 1900 hours. Mission: Return my movie. Despite the fact that I was in Foster City, CA, I was feeling pretty good. The sky was orange, the windows were down, and Rammstein’s Rosenrot album was on the stereo.

I drove slowly, and loudly through the parking lot, visibly freaking pre-embalmed Foster City residents out. Childish behavior from a post-pubescent child at heart.

I exited my car with the “Scanners” DVD case in hand. Suddenly, it hit me: Although I remembered the DVD case, I forgot to fucking put the fucking DVD in the fucking DVD case. “Fuck!” I opened the case and looked inside. Indeed, I forgot.

I am trained to optimize. Reflexively, I ran some scenarios through my head. “I could return the case, and then come back later to return the DVD… I could somehow see if one of my roommates is coming in this direction… but I know they aren’t… hmm…” Unfortunately, none of the scenarios actually involved me actually going back in time and actually retrieving the actual DVD and putting it in the actual DVD case. Therefore, I had to face the fact that my trip from San Mateo to Foster City, a trip of approximately 5 miles, was a complete waste of time. Good thing my manager wasn’t looking.

Depression ensued.

Then I was struck with a radical thought. “I was previously having a good time on my way over. Why not continue to have a good time while simultaneously driving home and back to return my DVD?”

On the spot I had leveraged an out of the box conceptualization, optimized for vertical synergy moving forward. Unfortunately, my manager wasn’t looking.

WHAT THE EFF

I returned to my apartment, got the DVD, and then headed out again. At a stop light, I saw a mosquito on my windshield. No wait, it was two mosquitoes, mating. That these two blood-suckers decided to land on my car and go for it, I found oddly appropriate, as well as perversely intriguing. I was also touched with sympathy. I don’t recall ever being a mosquito and getting busy on the windshield of a car. However, in a marginally similar situation, I generally prefer a measure of environmental peace, free from distractions.

The light turned green.

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, JUST EFFING EFF AS IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT

I proceeded down the street at a peaceful, cautious pace. I thought that perhaps the entomological fornicators would realize that their environment was lacking in the comfort department, and proceed to the nearest, say, mammal, and get back to work. Instead, they stayed put.

I got on to a freeway on-ramp and sped up. The mosquitoes maintained positions.

Finally, I entered the freeway and accelerated to about 80mph. In a valiant display of heroic passion, the two beings clutched on to the slick surface of my windshield and copulated with atomic strength.

Finally, at approximately 85mph, they simply could not hold on. They blew off the windshield and were not seen ever again.

While in the midst of an overpowering orgasm, they landed on the tarmac of highway 92, and were promptly run over by a truck.

It was one of the most exhilarating, powerful, and dangerous sexual climaxes in the history of our universe.

I was honored to be a part of it.

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