If It Feels Good Do It

Check this photo out.

The website mypalmike.com features a “daily caption contest.” In other words, Mypalmike posts a photo online, and readers submit captions that they think are funny. Later, Mypalmike selects the winning caption.

Writing a good caption isn’t easy, and some of the captions submitted are genuinely clever and funny. Some of the captions are, well, not funny. A lot of the captions submitted though, are groanably awful. I’m talking about the captions that use puns.

God damn I hate puns. Maybe my viewpoint on this issue is a little bit extreme. In my home town of Benicia, CA someone once told me in high school that “a pun is the lowest form of humor.”

It’s an assessment I completely agree with. Admittedly, Benicia is a place where getting stoned, listening to Slayer and driving around in a primer colored muscle car are all considered a reasonable forms of recreation, especially when done at the same time. But is there a place in the U.S. that puns are considered funny? Is there a place in the world? Why would someone ever want to use a pun? Don’t people realize that using a pun is one of those things that’s not cool to do in public after the age of five. It’s like picking your nose.

If you want to know how bad it can get, first check out this photo.

What’s the worst possible caption you can imagine? I’m talking about a caption that would make you squirm with distaste. Well, maybe it’s hard to imagine such a caption, so I’ll help you out. Here is what “JohnnyB” submitted: “I’m standing on the eagle’s claws to show I am talon-ted.”

Oh man. Luckily I didn’t have a hangover when I first read that otherwise I would have barfed all over my keyboard.

Even now, it still hurts my stomach to read it. To be fair, JohnnyB actually has a funny blog. Maybe JohnnyB was just trying to be ironically not funny. I hope so. Also, in fairness to Mypalmike, he didn’t choose that caption as the winner.

But Mypalmike does choose a lot of not funny captions, and that’s why he’s an idiot. Here’s an example.

The winning caption was “~IMMACULATE INSPECTION~.” First off, how is that funny at all? Secondly, how is that funnier than say, “Nothing beats dressing up like a nun, saying the pledge of allegiance and getting felt up. I love airports.” (Caption submitted by yours truly.)

Back to that ice cream photo at the top of the post. Brace yourself people, because I’m about to reveal the winning caption.

“…and after holding up the ice cream store Ted was forever known as the Baskin-Robin Hood!”

I didn’t merely feel sick when I read that caption, I felt enraged. “How could that caption have been selected as the winner? What the fuck is wrong with the world?!!!”

I was at work so I had to get a hold of myself. I took some deep breaths.

I eventually was able to get some work done, but my sex life has since suffered. Reading that caption was like taking negative Viagra.

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