[WARNING: The images in the post are definitely NSFW.]
Last Sunday I was close to the SFO airport.
That’s all I’m going to tell you for free.
Oh yeah, and I was in a store with stacks of used vinyls, VHS tapes, and other things random.
I found a retro issue of “CHOPPER” magazine.
“THE REAL BIKER LIFESTYLE”
On the previous night, I had sent an email to one of my friends and told her that I was in search of something real. Actually, that was the subject, “something real.”
Clearly I had found it. The cover promised “More ‘SEX’ Than You Can Handle!” and “Going Nude * in The Black Hills.”
Why were there quotes around “SEX?” Did the “SEX” involve goats and sheep? Why was there an asterisk next to “in the black hills?” Where was the qualifying disclaimer?
I opened the magazine and found out that when you’re living the real biker lifestyle, there ain’t no disclaimers and you don’t need to explain shit.
I love California and I love to ride. No I mean like, that’s what the editors of “CHOPPER: THE REAL BIKER LIFESTYLE” were trying to artistically symbolize with this photo.
Helmet test involving shotgun. (Those are the best kind.) The last sentence reads, “In the end, we found that all helmets are of absolutely no real use, and should be shitcanned.”
“The wet t-shirt contest soon got down to business when the girls showed their stuff.”
Clearly these guys knew how to party.
At the end of the magazine is a huge multiple choice test. Part of THE REAL BIKER LIFESTYLE is to keep your mind sharp with stimulating questions.
REVELATIONS 5:18 – 2008
I was able to make a variety of conclusions after reading this magazine.
1. I own a bike, but I’m not living THE REAL BIKER LIFESTYLE.
2. I want to live THE REAL BIKER LIFESTYLE.
3. I love California and I love to ride.
4. “All helmets are of absolutely no real use,” but there are plenty of uses for a shotgun.
5. I’m not obnoxious enough.
9 responses so far ↓
1 alden // May 23, 2008 at 12:11 pm
it seems like you need the 3 B’s to live the biker lifestyle:
1) bike
2) bullets
3) (access to) boobs
2 Ian Bowman // May 23, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Excellent mnemonic device. I especially like your parenthetical qualifier, an essential piece of the arsenal for anyone who is living THE REAL BIKER LIFESTYLE.
3 Allen // May 23, 2008 at 11:23 pm
This mag is perfect for your beer table. People leading the real biker lifestyle don’t have coffee tables; they have beer tables. Unless you are talking about the Jack Daniels table which is right next to the beer table.
Ian – You are all real.
4 Justin // May 24, 2008 at 3:40 am
A great post and one that I don’t see how anyone could fail to be inspired by… Good thing I’m not married with kids or a mortgage because after seeing this, I’d feel compelled to ditch them in order to pursue the real biker lifestyle.
5 thebaglady // May 27, 2008 at 7:14 pm
I’m afraid that my husband wants a bike. He has alluded to it, but he is already a horrible driver. Now after seeing this I must forbid him from ever getting a bike.
6 Ian Bowman // May 28, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Allen,
Your comments are uncannily accurate. It’s almost like you finished the post for me. Oh, and thank you for the generous compliment.
Justin,
Haha. Excellent point.
Baglady,
You always crack me up. I can’t say that I disagree with your reasoning, though. When a bike owner walks down the street, everything female wants to hump his leg (and some things male but I won’t get into that). It would be hard to maintain a stable marriage given those circumstances.
7 Missy // Jun 3, 2008 at 7:56 pm
I was in desperate need of inspiration, and thanks to this blog I wrote a rubaiyat. Thank you Ian, for helping me be one step closer to finishing a poetry project.
8 Joe // Aug 8, 2009 at 11:44 am
Looking to purchase the chopper issue Winter 1981-going nude in the black hills.
9 Joe // Aug 8, 2009 at 11:45 am
jbreaux1956@yahoo.com
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