Default employer of boring guys: Google.
God damn guys that work at Google are boring. Don’t tell my ex-girlfriend I said that. Just kidding, you can tell her. She works at Google so of course she knows it.
Default things that guys that work at Google want to talk about:
- Google.
- Googlers
- Being Googly.
I hate how at Google they have their own names for everything. It’s like a cult. Actually, it is a cult.
A few weeks ago I planned to meet up with some friends, a few of them Googlers. One of my friends, L had sent out a group email, and the general consensus was that we would go to a hookah bar.
One of the Googlers was a guy I had never met before. I’ll call him Nec. I tried to put my preconceptions aside, but Nec started being a pain before I even met him. He emailed out the following.
“Dancing sounds more fun to me… does anyone know of a good Salsa club or something like that?”
Guys that work at Google are obsessed with Salsa. The reason is that they offer free Salsa classes at Google. The classes are the first time most Googlers touch a member of the opposite sex who they aren’t related to. They become nostalgic.
Later I met Nec, and the conversation went as follows. I am not exaggerating.
“Hi, nice to meet you.”
“Yeah, you too.”
“So Ian, how do you know L? Didn’t you go to Stanford?”
“Uh, no.”
“You didn’t? Where did you go?”
“Davis.”
“Oh. Okayyyyyy. I know L from Stanford.”
“Oh. Okayyyyyy.”
“Do you work for Google?”
“No.”
“I work for Google.”
“Uh, yeah.”
Default message from Ian Bowman for boring guys that work for Google:
Dear Virgins,
I do not work for Google. I do not want to work for Google. Yes, I am an engineer. I did not go to Stanford. No, my parents did not go to Stanford.
Next time I meet you, please do us both a favor and shut the fuck up.
Default message from Ian Bowman for bored girls that work for Google:
I know, I know, your co-workers are boring. You work for a cult. Your husband is boring.
Just come over to my place. We’ll use the F-word. We’ll do evil. We’ll skip the dancing and move straight into touching members of the opposite sex.
Just don’t get jealous because it won’t be the first time.
6 responses so far ↓
1 The Baglady // Jul 10, 2008 at 12:04 pm
THANK YOU IAN! I SO HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME “Why don’t you work for Google?”. I have stopped trying to convince people that Google is NOT the greatest place on earth. I have been there and worked for them parttime. It’s like a place where they sequester people with very little imagination and very good grades. You know, those plodders in school that memorized the books. Hell, they don’t even get paid that well. The free food there is to keep them sequestered from the rest of the world. Oh well, different strokes for different folks I guess.
2 Allen // Jul 10, 2008 at 2:53 pm
From your sample conversation, they’re certainly not very engaging conversationalists.
If you go through a checklist of some common characteristics of a cult you’ll certainly find many of the items you mentioned:
http://www.csj.org/infoserv_cult101/checklis.htm
I think you’ve chosen the smart tack, by trying to expose the female population of this cult to the RBL (Real Biker Lifestyle), rather than to educate the male population members of the cult how to be non-boring. Good move.
Soon you will have your own cult of Ian worshipers….well…what am I saying…I mean a larger cult.
3 The Baglady // Jul 10, 2008 at 3:53 pm
And the annoying thing is that they have the media convinced that they’re the best place to work, and all the Asian parents. Ian might know what I am talking about since Ian has one Asian parent. I am convinced that Google is an offshoot of scientology, and they are going to use their billions to build a shrine for Xenu.
4 Ian Bowman // Jul 10, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Baglady – You totally nailed it with your “little imagination and very good grades” comment. Google is a place designed for good students who are used to being told what to do while also being taken care of and having things decided for them.
“Shrine for Xenu” HAHA. Sometimes you crack me the eff up. Oh, and I love it when people acknowledge the fact that I have an Asian parent. Thank you for that.
Allen – Hahaha. Thank you for the encouragement. I do what I can to improve the world, one bored woman at a time.
5 The Baglady // Jul 11, 2008 at 3:34 am
Oh btw Ian, I think you mean “cult” and not “occult”. Occult is more of an adjective.
6 Ian Bowman // Jul 11, 2008 at 10:21 am
Baglady – You’re right, thanks
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