RSS
It’s 1984. Again. Hypothetically, I mean. And hypothetically, your girlfriend has just left you.
You try getting coked out of your mind. It doesn’t help. You grow your mullet longer. It doesn’t work.
Prozac hasn’t even been invented yet and there’s no such thing as Viagra. What’s a badboy like you supposed to do at a time like this?
It’s time to get your mind out of the cellar and into the gutter.
OUT OF THE CELLAROut of the Cellar. Blast off into the heights of consciousness, preferably with the aid of a controlled substance.
All tracks are presented in the order they appear in the album.
WANTED MAN
The album begins with a trademark Ratt dual-guitar pump-up montage. You pop a boner before you even get to the lyrics.
You cross me, you realize
You’re hot leather, you’re cold steel
You make a move, I’ll make you feel like a
Human target, in my eyes
I’ve got you, well, in my sights
And by the rope, you will hang
It’s your neck, from this Ratt gang‘Cause I’m a wanted man
That’s right human targets, I’m a wanted man.
I’m wanted by the cops for dealing in narcotics. Or maybe I’m just wanted for cutting one of those tags off of a mattress. Or maybe well, I would be, if the cops knew about it.
And I’m wanted by all the women of the world. Or, at least my mother loves me. So eff you! I’m a wanted man, and you missed your chance, woman.
YOU’RE IN TROUBLE
Well, fast as lightnin’, and the gun
Your shadow’s got you on the run
You’re such a fighter, I said you’re the one
And I will only tell you onceYou’re in trouble, what are you gonna do?
You’re in trouble, it’s what you’re goin’ through, goin’ through
Previously you were all depressed, lying around at home and feeling bad. But then you started listening to Ratt. You got your mind out of the cellar and into the gutter. The ladies found out. Now you’re in trouble, dog. They’re after you. Run like hell. Then have an orgy after you’ve given them the thrill of the chase.
ROUND AND ROUND
You concentrate when you hear the dual-guitar solo in the middle of the song and you explode in your pants. You were never able to do that before. Not without manual stimulation, I mean.
You’re becoming something more than a man. You’re becoming a Ratt.
IN YOUR DIRECTION
Well, months and days, they slowly pass
I’m not waitin’ for you
You turned me ’round in your direction
I’m lookin’ for you, yeah
Do those lyrics make any sense? Of course they do. Ratt is using some symbolism here. By “your” they mean someone with a vagina. Ratt is not going to wait around any more. If you’ve got a vagina, Ratt is headed in your direction.
SHE WANTS MONEY
I try to tell her I don’t have no cash
She looks at me and starts to laugh
I don’t wanna know, you’ve gotta go
I see her walkin’ on down the street
She sees another and she acts so sweet
You wanna try, your luck tonightShe wants money, she
She wants money, she wants money
That’s right. She wants money.
Don’t they all?
Ok, maybe not. But your ex-girlfriend did. That’s all she wanted.
Ok, maybe not again. But, just tell yourself that anyways. You’ll feel better.
LACK OF COMMUNICATION
You’re so together, you fall apart
You never miss, when you’re shootin’ straight for the heart
(Lack of communication, back off)
You call up a girl who is on the fence about dating you.
“Look. I’m awesome. If you don’t realize that then there is a serious lack of communication here. (And that shit is on your side. Open your fucking ears.)”
BACK FOR MORE
Oh damn.
You turn him away, you tell him you’re mine
You make him believe you’re but one of a kind
You give him a cold look, you tell him a lie
You turn him away, girl, you know you’re mineAnd you’re back, you’re back for more
Yep. That’s right.
First you left.
But then you found out I was listening to Ratt.
You had a change of heart and now you’re back for more.
Back for more action. Back for more satisfaction. Back for more crotch grabs than Michael Jackson.
MORNING AFTER
It’s not just the guitar. It’s not just the drums. It’s not just the lyrics. It’s not just the delivery. It’s not just the rhythm. It’s not just the message.
Say I’m deliberately sent here to please
It’s what you need, so I’m here tonight
You won’t confuse me with somebody else
Look in your mirror, you’re too good for yourself
It’s all in your books, your magazines, can’t you see
I’ll be headin’ out in time, if it’s wrong or rightI’ll leave the morning after
You won’t confuse me with somebody else. Like for example, you won’t confuse me with the guy I was before I listened to Ratt.
It’s what you need, so I’m here tonight. But then I’ll leave the morning after. Not only that, I’m going to tell you about it first.
I know you’ll always think you’re one of my kind
You’re on my mind, baby, all the time
Lift your skirt, lady, high in the night
I’m just what you need, won’t you give it a try
I’m high. It’s night. I’m high in the night. You might as well lift your skirt that way too.
I’M INSANE
Well, I’m off my rocker, I fell out of my tree
I’ve been standin’ on shaky ground
There’s no helping me, yeahI can’t remember my number
I can’t remember your name
I can’t remember all the trouble I’m in, childWell, I’m insane
This life is too much! Too many women! Too many controlled substances!
Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck are you? I can’t remember!
I’m insane.
SCENE OF THE CRIME
I’ve got me a weapon, got me a loaded gun
You know I’ll track you down
And you’ll be on the run, no funYou broke the law in the first degree
When you left me, it was the scene of the crime you committed on yourself.
Too bad. I’ve got a weapon with way too much premature ammo. And now you’re at home feeling bad while I’m out discharging my loaded weapon on multiple human targets. Actually it’s not just loaded, it’s overloaded. You best be on the run, lest you hear all about it from your neighbor.
Man, typing that review was an intense one hour of my life. I’m going to go attempt to eat breakfast now.
4 responses so far ↓
1 Allen // Jul 16, 2008 at 9:12 am
Only a true poet, like yourself, could create the line:
“Back for more action. Back for more satisfaction. Back for more crotch grabs than Michael Jackson.”
I’m sure you had the breakfast of champions.
2 Ross // Jul 16, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Some may say you’re a bad influence. I just want to say, “Thanks!”. It would have taken me months to understand the lyrics and more time to find the true meaning behind them.
This makes me want to grab a bag of coke, a couple of girls, party, listen to Ratt, and get some lady skirts high… high in the night.
3 lou // Jul 20, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Too bad about that hearing problem or i’m sure you would come out with some much better vocal renderings of “scene of the crime”.
4 The Soul of Rock and Roll - Rock, Blues, Folk and More About Music » Carnival of Rock and Roll August 1, 2008 // Jul 31, 2008 at 11:01 pm
[...] A little bit of fun and humor from Ian of If It Feels Good Do It… I remember another of this series from a previous carnival a while back that was pretty amusing too: 80s Songs You’ve Never Heard Unless You’re A Recovering Coke Addict III: The Album “Out of the… [...]
Leave a Comment