I hate NPR. Ok, maybe I don’t hate NPR, but it gets on my nerves. Ok, maybe I don’t hate NPR, but I hate the people that listen to NPR. Ok, maybe I don’t hate the people that listen to NPR, but they get on my nerves. A lot.
Actually, I do hate NPR. I hate the way they talk. Everyyyyythinnnnnggg is soooooo streetcheeeddd out, spoken through the nose, and somehow relates to New York, animals, performing arts, or not having enough money.
And I hate how so many segments sound the same. Midway through pedantic narration, the correspondent will suddenly be interrupted by background noise and then someone else’s voice. Then the correspondent will say something like, “That’s head chef, Jim Richards.”
Man. Shut the hell up!
(Here, listen for yourself if you don’t believe me: http://www.npr.org/)
(See what I mean?)
But actually, like a million years ago, I used to listen to NPR. Or maybe it was the 90s. I didn’t know what NPR was until, surprise, a Junior College teacher told me about it. Well, she didn’t tell me personally about NPR, she announced it to the class. It was an extreme non sequitur, like this:
“Ms. Harrison, what is the past tense of lay?”
“Well, I was listening to NPR this morning. I know, total stereotype right! A teacher who listens to NPR! Ha ha!”
Junior College teachers love to talk about themselves. It must be weird to be a JC teacher. First they do all that work to get a graduate degree, and then they go back and teach at a place where there are no prerequisites for admission. Well, other then to show up.
For me, it’s weird to take classes at a JC again — as I now do — after having gone to a JC, transferring, and then getting a graduate degree. Especially since my degree is in engineering.
At a four year college, in an engineering class, the teacher doesn’t know who you are, does not care who you are, does not give a shit about anyone except themselves really, and the course proceeds rapidly. It’s quite horrible.
At a Junior College, in a humanities class, the teacher constantly relates all aspects of the course to their personal lives, views the classroom as a platform to rant political propaganda, does not really give a shit about anything except hearing themselves talk really, and therefore the course progresses in a very slow manner. It’s quite horrible.
But then I started listening to Howard Stern instead. Like a million years ago. Or maybe this was also in the 90s.
I love Howard Stern. I don’t care what anyone says, I love Howard Stern.
When I finally graduated and started working in 2004, I tried to discuss Howard Stern with my coworkers.
“Oh man, it was hilarious. Today Howard Stern threw sausage at a porn stars butt.”
Inevitably the response I got went as follows.
“Ohhh,” they’d say with a PBS, “Masterpiece Mystery!” British accent. “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. I was listening to NPR this morning and…”
And then they’d tell me about something they heard on NPR that I absolutely did not care about. I would summarize my sentiment as follows.
“Fuck NPR!”
But not out loud. That would have been too radical for the Peninsula. Someone would have vomited. Or at least cut a Hummer off in their Prius.
Suddenly I have forgotten my point. What was it exactly?
Oh yeah, a few months ago I was in a bookstore and I saw this book. On the cover was a skeleton smoking a cigarette, so I picked it up. I saw that it was full of essays. I started to read it and proceeded to laugh my ass off. Literally. I’m serious. My ass fell off and I had to pick it up and put it back on. Anyways, the book was David Sedaris’s When You Are Engulfed in Flames
It was so funny that I bought it. Then I brought it home. Then I realized later I that knew who David Sedaris was. From NPR. I had heard him on that stupid-ass NPR show, “This American Life.” I couldn’t believe it.
Then on Monday I was in a bookstore and rather than buying say, a really cool book of drug induced short stories I bought The Best American Essays 2008
But it’s horrible to think that I now actually own a book called “The Best American Essays 2008.”
I need to listen to more Slayer or something. Or less.
What the eff is wrong with me lately?
7 responses so far ↓
1 Jonathan // Feb 4, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Ian Ian Ian, I do listen to NPR and I do not listen to Slayer and I hope you will not judge me for my honesty. This American Life entertains me greatly, as much as I wish Ira Glass would just take some Benedryl.
And as you get older, your tastes will mature. You will start wanting to drink fine wine. You will listen to more people talking and fewer people singing. If you are like me, you will begin to poop every morning before 10. It is the natural order of things.
2 Ross // Feb 4, 2009 at 3:29 pm
2 words: fuck that shit, there is nothing wrong wif you.
3 Ian Ian Ian // Feb 5, 2009 at 11:33 am
Jonathan – Haha. Nice one.
Well you’re a member of the Christian right and like NPR, but other than that we still have some things in common. Like, in relation to maturing tastes I mean. But not many. Here are all the things we have in common, in that regard:
* I also poop before 10.
Ok, here are all the things we don’t have in common:
* I hate wine. It makes me cough. But ok, I guess fine wine does taste, well, fine. Sometimes. When no one is looking. Except someone else who also likes fine wine.
* I hate listening to people talking. Inevitably they have something more intelligent than me to say. Or less intelligent, which is only slightly better. Unless I hear them talking in person. That’s ok, I guess. But only in small doses.
Here are some of the ways my tastes have matured. Not sure if you have experienced any of these:
* I only drink coffee. I used to only drink tea.
* I love whiskey.
* I shower in the morning instead of at night.
* I lift weights and run instead of just running. (Actually, you were a major influence in that regard. Thanks again.)
* I read The Economist so that I can go “Yes! Totally! I Totally agree!”.
* I watch Fox News so that I can angrily yell at the Television. Not whilst eating, though.
Ross – Well, you need to update your word counting software. Other than that, great comment
4 alden // Feb 5, 2009 at 1:16 pm
i don’t listen to NPR either, but i found out they had a story about Miles Davis’ Kind of Blue, which I’m listening to right now. Also, I did not poop before 10am today. I guess that’s two things we don’t have in common.
5 Allen // Feb 5, 2009 at 10:59 pm
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you.
By the way, I saw one of your blog fans today on a website. You can see it at:
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0205092forehead1.html
6 Alain // Jul 1, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Ian. I found your blog today, and have made it back to Feb 09 already (reading each article). I’m writing you here and now to inform you that the past tense of “lay” is “lain” unless it’s an act being performed by the subject. Ian laid the book down, at which time the book was then lain.
7 Bowman // Jul 5, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Alain – I am pumped.
Yet you are not quite right.
“Ian laid the book down, at which time the book was then lain.”
Well, that sentence is right.
“The past tense of ‘lay’ is ‘lain’ unless it’s an act being performed by the subject.”
That sentence is not right. The past tense of lay is not lain. The past tense of lay is laid.
If “it’s an act being performed by the subject,” then you’re not talking about lay. You are talking about lie. The past tense of lie is lay. The past participle of lie is lain.
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