I have two roommates. One of them is Daniel. I rent my room from him for $500 including all utilities. My other roommate is Silas. I’m better friends with Silas.
But I like Daniel too. He looks, sounds and acts a lot like Hart Bochner in Die Hard.
In Die Hard, Hart Brochner plays Harry Ellis. Harry Ellis is this guy:
Harry Ellis snorts coke and says things like this:
“Hey babe, I negotiate million dollar deals for breakfast. I think I can handle this Eurotrash.”
Harry gets his head blown off by a German terrorist.
It’s tough not to like a guy like that.
Something else about Harry Ellis. Oops, I mean Daniel. Something else about Daniel: he dresses like a pirate, every weekend. I don’t mean he dresses that way to go to a pirate convention. He just dresses like a pirate and goes wherever he goes. He is being whoever he wants to be in America. He’s the David Bowie of not rock stars.
A few months ago I was in my room. Daniel stood near my bedroom door. It was Friday.
Hey Ian,” he said, “Please excuse any noise you hear coming from my room tonight. I’ll be tying up a woman who could be my mother.”
“Oh,” I said. “Alright.”
“It’s one of my sick pleasures. That’s what I do.”
Until that point in the evening my primary concern was lifting a 24 oz. Steel Reserve to my lips. Desk to face. Desk to face. Can in my hand.
“Alright Daniel. Way to do it, man. Way to be you.”
Daniel continued. “Well hey, at least I dont’ call her Mother when I have her tied up. That would be just plain sick!”
I don’t know about you guys, but when someone follows up a perverted confessional with an even more perverted hypothetical, my conclusion is that the person is in fact, just plain sick.
It would be like if I said, “Pardon the noise coming from my room, I’m going to be tying up a sheep.” Then I followed that up with, “Well hey, at least I’m not going to be sticking my cock in the sheep.”
Daniel then went into his room and shut the door as he often does. Then Silas and I held reconnoisance in the dining room.
“Did you hear what Daniel just said.”
“Yeah, about the woman old enough to be his mother. Did he really just say that?”
“I think so.”
I removed another Steel Reserve from the refrigerator, then walked back to my room. I think I was writing something. I don’t remember. Soon Daniel was at my door again. There was more.
“Man, I am so deep in it right now with the ladies,” he said. “I am neck deep.”
“Oh, really? That’s cool,” I said.
“Yeah! I could be booked every weekend from now… from now… until… until two and a half months from now.”
“Geez. That’s a lot. What is it?”
“What is what?”
“I mean like, how come you are so booked?”
“Oh man, it’s the pirate thing,” he said. “It’s the pirate thing! I have tapped into, my inner rock star! My inner rock star is a pirate! Once you tap into your inner rock star…”
He never finished that sentence. I therefore am not sure exactly what happens when you tap into your inner rock star. Evidentally it’s something too powerful to verbalize concretely. You can merely gently describe the experience of it, as Daniel subsequently did.
“Man, when I go to a bar or something, and I’m hitting on a girl, I’m doing it as a pirate! I mean I’m dressed as a pirate, but also, one thing you don’t understand, is that I’m talking in Pirate! I’m hitting on a girl at a pool table, in Pirate! And when you do something in Pirate, clearly you have a sense of humor. I mean, duh, you’re talking in Pirate! How could you not have a sense of humor when you’re talking in Pirate! And everyone loves humor!!!!!!!! “
His conclusion was perfectly reasonable.
“Yeah,” I said.
Shortly thereafter I walked down the street to buy more beer. When I returned to the apartment I found it had become a romantic, candle-lit environment. Sitting at the counter was a plump, middle-aged brunette, indeed old enough to be Daniel’s mother. Daniel was in the kitchen cooking dinner.
It was a slightly bizarre situation, but Daniel was unfazed by my presence.
“How do you feel about cumin,” he said to the woman.
“I like it,” she said. “I like it.”
4 responses so far ↓
1 The Baglady // Oct 25, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Maybe he should attend the Cougar Convention as a pirate.
http://www.yelp.com/events/palo-alto-national-single-cougars-convention
2 lou // Oct 27, 2009 at 4:58 pm
That guy sounds like he’s got life all figured out. gotta find your niche and use it to bag old ladies. or young asian women, or whatever you’re into
3 G Money // Oct 31, 2009 at 5:27 am
awesome! Man, all my roomates ever dress up as are sexy littly asian nurses…
4 Bowman // Nov 5, 2009 at 8:52 pm
The Baglady – Hello Mother. Thank you for reading my blog and leaving such funny comments.
lou – Hey I like young French women. Get it right!
G Money – Uhhhh… ok. I’ll be visiting Michigan soon.
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